Little bits of me

 I am collecting little bits of me.

I don't know who will need to know it.

But I know putting this out their out of me is where it needs to be.

Publishing an old poem I wrote

 

रुख जाना है कितना आसान पर ये नहीं है पूर्ण विराम

कुछ बातें अधूरी रह जाती है
कुछ यादें बार बार लौट आती है
मंज़िल्लो की जगह मोड़ और रास्तो की जगह ठहराव 
कोशिस और आशा दोनों एक पंथ के दो काज
ना जाने आशा ने पहेले छोड़ा साथ
या कोशिस ने मानी हार
सवालो की जगह जवाब और उनमें उलझे ना जाने कितने सवाल
रुख जाना होगा कितना आसान
पर
शायद इस कहानी की होगी बिलकुल अलग आवाज़
शायद जो यादे लोटी उनसे करनी होगी मुझे मुलाकात
शायद बस एक मोड़ और
शायद ना कोशिश ना आशा बस कर्म देगे साथ
शायद नहीं ढूढने मुझे सवालों के जवाब
सच रुख जाना है कितना आसान
पर
जिस कहानी के किरदारों ने दी है चोट हज़ार
वाही किसी ने दी है सहने की शक्ति तमाम
यादो को चुनने की
हेर मूड से गुजरने की
आशाओं के टूटने पे कोशिश करते रहने की
उठे सवालो के जवाब कर्म से देने की

पर
ये नहीं है पूर्ण विराम
कहानी किरदार यादे
मोड़ मज़िले
सवाल
फिर गुज़रे गे |

-May 2010

कोइ तो होगा जो सुनेगा इस  मान कि आवाज

Don't know.

 I don't know what is going on in my head, my life. It feels lonely and I am not sure where I am heading any more. 

I have never feel this depressed ever before and I feel all my life choices have led me to this place where I am all alone. It is a difficult thing to keep going on in life with this thought that no-one loves me and never has. 

I can't sort out if these feeling are real or part of life changes as I am growing older. Some times I think I am confirming these thoughts by not having any one to talk to. I have never lived in my head so much. But I seem to not move on from this feeling of no happiness.

And I hate my job to top it all - not sure my feeling are consequences of the job or the dislike of my job is the consequence of my feelings.

And on top of that I am not feeling physically well either. God what is happening in life.

Path forward

What is the difference between letting things come to you and trying to achieve something 

Is it ok to push yourself to be better, to try to do the best in everything you do. To find the issues and problems to solve.  The world, people set expectations and define boundaries in which we have to perform and live in. I know I have always pushed the boundaries and I think that has what has gotten me where I am now. But I think even when the there are best of intentions there is heartbreak and disappointment and the feeling of being let down, when they are not reciprocated with appreciation. Then there are times when 

I never thought that conflict between trying to always do better and be better 

so maybe the problem is the expectations at the end. But I am not sure how much more detached I can be.

Extraordinary

When you are extraordinary but you do the simplest things with care.

Unexplained connection - little book of humanism

I started a new job last week... Went to a new city, well more like a town. I picked up this book there and it has wonderful words to live by. 

On my way back from there I had a strangest sensation that I was leaving something behind. All my life I have had these feelings that moment, this person, this place is of significance to me. And as I life unfolds things reveal themselves. I don't know yet if it is the place or the people or something else that will make difference but I know something will. 

For now what I do know is that the book I picked up from the book shop there is worth a read and let's wait for rest to follow.